Good morning Harriet, please I need your advice I am in a relationship with a guy, before I accepted him as my boy friend when he approached me, I asked him if he was in any relationship and his answer was no but as time goes on l discovered that he was going out with a certain girl who added me on Face book and she left the explanation that she decided to include me as her friend when she saw my picture on her fiance page as a very close friend. I was surprise and shock at her statement so I immediately address the issue with my boy friend, he admitted that they are dating but the relationship is not working out, he then pleaded with me to give him time to break up with her and that he really doesn’t want to hurt anyone in the process. I feel deceived, angry, jealous and upset; presently I just want to call it off because I really cannot allow my heart to be broken. Please what should I do? Thanks
T. Oghene Delta State.
We must commend your courage; it is really not easy to share your experience so that people experiencing the same situation will draw strength from it, thanks a lot. To be in a relationship at the right time with the right person is an amazing feeling that words most times cannot express so when the reverse is the case it can be frustrating especially when it has to do with cheating and lies. Trust and honesty are the crucial foundation upon which all other qualities in a relationship are built but before we go deeper into this issue, agree we have just read her own side of the story, could have been nice if his revision was given as well. However, you took the right step by confronting the issue the minute you observed that he is in a relationship with another girl just as if you knew when you asked him the question at the beginning of the relationship. It is very good to be open with whoever you want to date; you stand to gain a lot. Speaking out freely from the start of a relationship gives an easy understanding of the person’s likes and dislikes. To be lied to and cheated upon can be very devastating so what you are feeling now is highly expected because he is your boy friend that have treated you in such a manner not a stranger, of course you feel betrayed  and deceived. Your emotions will be playing up and anger will set in after a while, all these will happen naturally for healing to take place. At the moment learn not to be too hard on yourself but instead see him as a person that have issues and need help because a man who find it difficult to know exactly what he want and how to go about it tells you that such a person might have challenges in decision making. He wants to eat his cake and have it so the question is, can you put up with such a character and how are you sure that he is telling you the truth of the whole situation. Cheating and lies in a relationship are major signs of an unhealthy relationship and should not be taken for granted. If you feel that you cannot cope with your emotions do not hesitate to seek the help of a counsellor. The way forward is to see your situation as an experience with a lesson not a time for self pity, blame or regret but rather to be happy that it was revealed early enough for you to know the type of person you are in a relationship with. Think through your situation and ask yourself honest questions about what you want in a relationship. If you choose to stay with your boy friend after knowing fully well the dangers and problems inherent in his personality, it becomes your problem. In continuing such relationship the following steps to take might be of help; make sure that you have a conversation with him about the situation of things and its effect on your person and the relationship. Bring to his notice that he will have to walk as hard to gain back your trust whereas it will take time for you to trust him again. Let him know that you will always cross check whatever he says to you about the other girl in order to be sure. Make your boundaries clear and ask him to define your relationship, what he is his intention. It is necessary you know all there is because you will not like to be hurt a second time.  In case you decide to end it after a proper review go ahead and follow your heart, never start out looking for approach in which no one get hurt, it doesn’t exist. Go into the discussion with him knowing where you want to end up, your boy friend may try all sorts of promises about changing in behaviour, attitude and so on he may attempt to win you back. Don’t accept it if you are ready to close the chapter and move on with your life. Here are ways to help you move on; first step is to try and channel your emotion to doing activity or improving yourself in order to think less of the situation, occupy your mind, it helps to easy worries. Take your time and do not rush into a relationship immediately so that you don’t go into it simply because you feel there is a gap that you need to fill.  Relationship takes two to make it work so keep an open mind whenever you are in a relationship, don’t expect too much, always define your relationship, that is be specific about what you want and ask your partner what he/she wants from the relationship so that from the unset you both know what you are going into. Time they say heals all wound, as the days goes by you feel better and stronger. In situation like this most people dwell on it and shut down, try keeping a free heart so that you don’t shut love out because of your bitter encounter, trust me, true love will definitely find you. Take care of yourself and note, any relationship based on lies and deceit is not worth holding on to.  A problem shared is a problem half solved.
Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions
