In continuation with our last week article, here are more effects of parental divorce or separation on children, Shame and embarrassment, anger, fear, relief, depression, insecurity/low self-esteem and so on.
Shame and embarrassment; some children feel embarrassed and ashamed to talk about their parents splitting up with any one not even their best friends. To save themselves of these feelings, they pretend it is not happening; some actually block it off their mind. Some are so ashamed that they feel everyone is looking at their family as a failure. Some are so embarrassed that they consider the divorce or separation as inappropriate conduct on the part of their parents. Another effect of parental divorce or separation is Anger; young ones respond to the action (divorce) with so much anger, they feel very upset because divorce disrupts their family environment, creating disorder where there was order. In some cases the children might have to move to a place they are not use to, leaving with one of their parents, situation like this can really make a child feel angry. Children resent the fact that they are been separate from their parents so they feel very angry at the whole issue of divorce. This feeling of abandonment create anger in them, some children also may resent being different from their friends who still live with their mother and father. More so, in situation where parent transfer their bitterness for one another to their children can create a cauldron of anger especially if they teenagers. The change of family life style physically and financially due to divorce or separation can prompt anger on children as well, because now they have to starting learning how to do things differently. In regards to the question asked by our reader, who is going through the process of divorce /separation, kindly note that children react to divorce/separation  in different ways and anger is certainly not  an exception, they can repress it, denial it. Children may release anger by identifying with others, or transfer their anger because of the divorce/separation process on others. However, bear in mind that children who suppress their anger may suffer heightened stress. They may also experience anxiety attack, nightmare at night, depression and mood swing. According to Dr Richard.A.Gardner, the primary purpose of anger is to remove a source of irritation and frustration. Depression; when children are going through prolong sadness if not handle properly can actually lead to depression, which is one of the commonest effectof parental divorce or separation on children. This can be trace in loss of appetite from the child, apathy, helplessness, hopeless, irritability, obsessive self-criticism, withdrawal, loss of study interest, lack of concentration at school. No interest to interact or play with anyone. They start fantasying in a destructive way; this if care is not taking can lead to suicide thoughts. Anyway, a certain degree of depression is natural and understandable in situation like this, but long term depression is totally unhealthy and action must be taking immediately to put an end to it. Fear; like anger is also an effect of parental divorce or separation, Bowlby (1969) claimed that the loss of anyone to whom an infant is attached produces an instinctive fear response. Such a loss in older children –such as a loss through divorce –will also frequently produce fear. Children entertain fear about a lot of things; where they will live, the school they will have to attend or where they will spend their holidays. They fear about being left alone with the notion that if one parent can go, perhaps the other will do the same. Children fear that divorce or separation will cause total neglect by one or both parents. For fear of losingeverything, children may become so frustrated that they respond angrily and begin to lash out emotionally at their parents or others. Relief; to some children the feeling of relief sets in, if the relationship between their parents have been a violent one most especially if they have witnessed abuse or suffered abused themselves. As a result for many teenagers, the threat of a divorce or separation is welcome as the promise of relative peace and harmony. Furthermore, insecurity and low self-esteem is not left out; parental divorce or separation put children in a vulnerable position, to the feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. When children are with their parents they feel confident and safety. To them, divorce or separation takes away their security leaving them very insecure and if not handle properly can lead to low-self-esteem. Traces of this effect can be seen in their change of behaviour, some children start acting like babies for example, they may start  bedwetting, a habit they have dropped years ago, some turn out to be veryclingy, others keep having  night mare.Once you notice any of the above please address the issue in a nice way. As parent fortunately you are in a better position to help your children during this period of divorce or separation, by minimizing the tension the situation creates, but if you can’t then seek professional help. Be patient as everyoneadjusts to the new situation, also responding openly and honestly to your children’sconcerns can actually assist them through this tough time. Note that the ability of you and your spouse in maintaining a civil relationship is the key that will help your children to go through the whole divorce process. Therefore, as soon as you are certain of your plans, talk to your children about your decision to live apart. Although there is no easy way to break the news, if possible have your spouse to be there for the conversation. In the process of talking with the children, please leave the feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Discussion should be tailored to the ages of the children; their level of maturity should also be put into consideration and their temperament as well. Always make it clear to them, that what happened between daddy and mummy does not have anything to do with them, because most children feel they are to blame even after their parents have said so to them, so it is vital for parents to keep reassuring their children. Try to answer their questions as truthful as possible. Finally remember children do not need to know every last detail, what they need is just enough information for them to understand clearly how their lives are going to change.
Special thanks to those readers who send in questions and suggestions through email and text messages. We appreciate you!     A problem shared is a problem half solved.
