Dear Harriet, I am 34 years old working class lady in a serious relationship with a man I love dearly but my challenge is that he feels insecure and I don’t know how to deal with the situation. Please help me thanks. (Name with held. Lagos)
Thanks for sharing your situation with us. It is important to note that insecurity in a relationship whether married or dating can lead to all sort of secondary problems including extreme possessiveness, unwillingness to entertain social options, high expectations for you and low expectations for him, constant self-doubt, small safety zone in which he feels comfortable and social isolation. When insecurity is a concern, it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Before we offer solutions on how to tackle insecurity it will be nice for us to state some of the likely causes, remember there is always a reason for an action. One of the major factors that can lead to insecurity lies in childhood trauma or life event especially in situation where a person experience lack of parental or family love growing up or witnessing a bad relationship between parents, this can affect a child’s tender mind as a result he or she might lack trust in future relationships as well. Another factor that can lead to insecurity is low feeling of self-worth; if for any reason in the relationship there is the feeling of inferiority complex or the attitude of not good enough for your spouse or partner. Next might be repeated failure in social situations; the negative experience of past relationship that was never treated or addressed can haunt the current relationship so the person might be struggling with believing in his or her partner or spouse. Moreover, other factors that can make a partner or spouse feel insecure in a relationship are perceived or real feelings of inadequacy about physical state, lack of security and stability when growing up or fear of losing a love one. However, here are some useful tips that might be of benefit to you in dealing with the issue of insecurity in a relationship: Try to understand that insecurities are only a symptom of the true problem. make effort to assist your partner or spouse identify the source of the insecurity by providing possible labels, discuss with him or her, ask questions about his action and reason for the feelings that he or she is experiencing. Discussing the situation freely will help mend the communication bridge between both of you, this will help your partner or spouse feel that his or her emotions are understood. As a result it might help to boost self confident as the case may be. Love conquers all; your unconditional love will definitely bring your partner out of insecurity, learn to be open in your doings, carry him or her along when taking decisions and makes his/ her opinion count. Try to also give him more attention when he is not asking for it. In addition, use common sense and good judgment when compromising. Remember not to give into irrational demands that are only a means of reducing his anxiety caused by his/her insecurity. In spite of all these there are certain things you must avoid in the process of dealing with the feeling of insecurity in a relationship; one of them is rejection, this can make your partner or spouse who already have security issue to feel more insecure. Don’t lecture in the process because lecturing him/her on being insecure defeats the entire purpose. He will only see the lecturing as demeaning and just another blow to his or her self-confidence. Also avoid yelling while talking with him; it will only increase his insecurities. If there is no progress after trying the above, don’t hesitate to seek the assistance of a trained counselor. Finally, everyone in one situation or the other is face with the issue of insecurities but the real issue here is how we deal with them and how much they affect those around us. Be careful here not to begin limiting your life to work around your partner’s or spouse insecurities. Most people in healthy relationship may modify their behaviour at times to meet the needs of other person, this is regarded as compromise. However, when you begin to lose your identity by compromising too often, then your own feelings of self worth may have to be explored.
A problem shared is a problem half solved.
