Hello good day ma, I saw your column in the Nation Newspaper and decided to ask for your advice. I was dating a young man six years older than me; he approached me for marriage at the beginning so I accepted. Along the line I became pregnant, he asked me to remove it that he will come and do the necessary things if I comply but I refused. We started having issue as a result of me insisting that I will not terminate the pregnancy. Up to the birth of the child I have be catering for myself and the child, he does not care about us at all. Our child is one year old now and everything is still the same. My problem is that I want to move on though I know that I might not be able to love again because I find it difficult to forget him. (Name withheld, Aba.)
Thanks for sharing your story, it takes a lot of courage to be open in such a situation I must commend you. To be in a relationship is one thing but to have a clear knowledge of the purpose for the relationship is an important aspect that must be defined from the start. A clear definition of the relationship is very necessary because it gives you a better understanding of what your partner wants and what you expect bearing in mind that different people go into relationships for different reasons. In your situation there is really no point for self blame or regret, because at the time of your action you did what you felt was the right thing, after all he was to be your prospective husband according to your story so if he was actually coming for marriage like he claimed why then was he so keen on you terminating the pregnancy. His motive might be totally different from what he appears to be, or that he is not ready to take the responsibility. No doubt, letting go can be tough due to the emotions that comes with it, for instance, mood swings, anger, bitterness, disappointments, fears, worries, low self esteem, self pity, blame, regrets and so on. If your situation is not address it can affect your well being. Listen; the way forward is to try and put the past behind you as painful as it is, so that you can be in a proper position to embrace what the future has in store for you. Thank God you kept the pregnancy, today you have the most precious gift from God and for this fact he will provide for you and your child. However here is more useful counsel to help you move on: your state of mind must not be neglected; with passing time some wounds heal while others get worse. This is true also of broken relationships. One has to take an active interest and positive steps to heal such pain. It may not always be easy to forgive and forget such a person who disappointed and abandoned you at a time you needed him most but it is even harder to live with an unforgiving heart. To refuse to forgive is to refuse oneself peace and joy. Therefore for healing to take place there must be forgiveness after grieving the lost relationship. Next step is to be empowered; you need to start working in order to have the resources to take care of yourself and your child since he is not ready to take up the responsibility. Being a single parent is not easy but with hard work and a focus mind you will be able to pull through. In addition learn to love yourself; only when you start appreciating yourself will you be free from insecurity and fear.  Besides, you have a child who need all your attention and care so always tell yourself that you are special with outstanding qualities, destine for great things so don’t let the situation weigh you down or make you feel less important it is only a phase that will be over soon.  You must never feel that you need someone to complete you, love yourself and avoid going into a relationship at the moment, take time to heal and concentrate on how to improve yourself because going into another relationship immediate might be for the wrong reason or a way of you trying to fill the void that your pervious relationship created and if care is not taken might lead to another heart break. If for some reasons you observe that you cannot deal with the situation on your own don’t hesitate to seek the help of a counselor for proper guidance. A time like this, you will need all the support you can get to be able to get over it; surround yourself with family members and good friends who understand your situation.  Keep busy by engaging yourself at all times, avoid been idle so that you don’t keep thinking about the situation. Find activities that makes you happy, don’t allow one nasty experience keep you from living your life to the fullest instead learn from it and move on. Life is full of challenges the way and manner you deal with it either make you or break you. Finally have no fear about loving again, at the right time you will fine true love, a person who will love and cherish you no matter what so never give up only learn to keep an open mind and remember to make your intension clear from the beginning with set boundaries. Take care of yourself and stay bless.
A problem shared is a problem half solved
