Dear Harriet, I am 31 years old a banker please I need you to throw light about in-laws because in a few month I will be getting married considering the fact that I have my personal views about in-laws. I look forward to visiting your blog for useful counsel, keep up the good work.
Vanessa O . Lagos
Societies have different attitude towards marriage in the African setting especially in Nigeria; marriage is not for the couples only but the entire family. Each spouse comes into marriage with a truck-full of relatives; we have mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, brothers/sisters in-laws, aunties/uncles in-laws, other extended family members. It is said that once you are married, you are not just married to your wife /husband rather to you are married to your spouse’s entire family. As a result loving the man/woman is loving all that comes with it because it is a total package. However we are not neglecting the fact that some in-laws can be very difficult to relate with. Before we look at the challenges let us mention different perceptions about in-laws.
Mother-in-laws; some ladies before marriage already have these views about mother in-laws, that they are domineer, possessive, over protective, wicked, such ladies will say that their wish is to marry a man without a mother, or sisters, such ladies already have a mind sets about in-laws without getting to know their mother /sisters in-laws. This perception can be as a result based on other people’s experiences, forgetting the fact that, they are women and one day will be a mother-in-law or sister-in-law to someone as well. The notions about immediate and extended in-laws are not left out. What am I saying, already some people have different perceptions about in-laws before coming in contact or relationship with them , as a result they go with an attitude which in most times back fires. People term to response to the way and manner they are treated. If you treat someone in a mean or rude way, trust me, the person will respond in a bad way. Like I said earlier we are not over ruling the facts that there are challenges especially when we take to note that in-laws are humans just like us. They are not from outer space. Same way we are face with challenges relating with our own immediate and extended family, our friends, and colleagues, in-laws are not left out.
However for easy identification, in-laws can be classified into three categories;
Marriage makers— they are in-laws who express and show genuine love to the couples. They encourage them, they allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from them. They don’t pressurise them. They work towards the progress of the marriage. They give advice that will help the marriage grow. They don’t interfere. They are good role model to the couples.
Thorn- in- the flesh——– they are in-laws that are always attach for no good reasons, even when they couples are ready to set them up for them to fend for themselves, no, the rather stay and keep eating off their brother/sister. Not ready to do anything on their own but always around for no added value to the couples, forgetting that in the case of the newly wed, they really do need time to study themselves especially at the early years of living together as husband and wife.
Marriage breakers———- like the word goes “breakers” they are in-laws totally opposite of the marriage makers, they are always criticising the spouse, never pleased with effort or contribution made. Always creating trouble for the couples sometimes instigated them against each other. Derive pleasure seen couples at war. No value added to the growth of the marriage. Their mission is to destroy not to encourage the couples.
Bearing all these in mind, here are a few tips for maintaining and rebuilding a good relationship with your in-laws;
Couples should go into the marriage with an open –mind, judge no one until you have had an encounter with him /her. Be yourself; don’t try to be who you are not. Be nice to your in-laws no matter the types they fall into (marriage makers, thorn-in the flesh or marriage breakers). Show them love and care. Remember that they are humans, no one is perfect even in your family/ place of work you have such characters as well. Tolerance and kindness is the key word to a good relationship with in-laws.
Learn to ignore aggravation; it is not big things that disrupt or damage a relationship rather the little things do, learn to close your eyes over little things that irritates you. Try to let things go.
Be protective; your family is your family, you know them better than your spouse so it is your duty to protect your spouse for easy relationship.
Good communication; couples should be united and firm in their decision, what is applicable to his family should also be applicable to her family.’ United will stand’ like the saying goes. Couples should interact freely, hiding nothing from each other. Help and support your spouse mentally, spiritually, and physically. Be best friends
Special thanks to those readers who send in questions and suggestions through email and text messages. I appreciate you
