Dealing with the ghost of past relationships
Dear Harriet, I have been in relationships in the past that didn’t work out so I promise myself never to be used and dump again by any man. For some years I concentrated on my career so that I can be somebody in life. To the glory of God I am doing what I love to do and life is good. Few months ago I met this guy at my best friend’s wedding and we have been talking on phone, a few outings nothing more, he is my kind of person in a way but my fear is that I will not be able to give in to his sexual demand when it comes because after my past experience, I promise to keep myself for marriage. I need your counsel on what to do. Thanks
Name withheld, Abuja.
Thanks a lot for sharing your story, every experience in life is a lesson to make us better. I must commend you for taking the necessary steps to improve yourself in respective of the happenings around you. It takes a brave heart to do so, well done. Now, first you have to know that your past relationships have come and gone. This one is different so it will be nice if you keep an open mind to start with; learn to see him for who he is, expecting him to think, feel, and act the same as you only set you up for continual disappointment, frustration and conflict. Be able to come in tune with personality differences speak a lot in relationship, bearing in mind that we have our strength and weakness. Therefore avoid assumption so that you can have a better understanding of his expectations in the relationship.
Easy communication is one aspect that must not be neglected; feel free to talk with him about your values, priorities, beliefs, expectations and fears. Tell him about yourself let him see you for who you are and what you stand for so there is no surprises anywhere. Trust me if he really love you and want to have a good relationship with you that might move to another level in time to come, he will appreciate you more for been truthful to him. The reason why I put my statement in this form, is simply because I don’t want you to start seeing him as your husband, you just met him and the relationship is a bit early to start thinking along the line of marriage when he has not propose to you. Get to know each other’s likes and dislikes. This is a common mistake some singles make and end up with a broken heart. Don’t act as a wife until you are made one. Interaction is very important in a relationship and must be encourage also note that communication is incomplete if the act of listening is not taking into consideration. Furthermore, replace your fearful thoughts, the fact is that your former relationship will flash back from time to time but you must learn not to allow it take control of your present relationship. Always remind yourself that you are over it and that you are in control of your emotions now. Who say you cannot love again? Someone will love and cherish you for who you are so keep an open door, fill your thoughts with positivity. Next is to work on forgiving yourself; you might think you made the biggest mistakes in the past and if only you didn’t allow it you wouldn’t be having fears right now, keep in mind that you are human. You are entitled to make mistakes, everyone does but you have used the lessons to improve yourself so be blameless and appreciate yourself. Moreover, there is another important aspect we must not over look that is the grieving period of your past relationships; you might be wondering what has that got to do with it, a lot I must say. Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death so it must be grief for you to be able to move on. First you are shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty, with the thoughts that may be if you have done things differently. Then, you feel angry and even start bargaining, if not controlled properly loneliness and depression might set in but as you go through all these natural feelings, healing start to take place gradually. Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future. Finally embrace impermanence; nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course. The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as life; find little things to gain instead of dwelling on the past. Relationship is an investment like a bank account- what you put is what you get. There are no hard and fast rules, certainly no guarantees but the above tips can serve as a useful aid in starting a new relationship. Remember, a problem shared is a problem half solved. Take care of yourself and each other.
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