AM I IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

A lot of questions can be raised if the relationship isn’t healthy. Why are they so abusive? Did I do something wrong? Why do I have so little value in his eyes? What can I do to help so he not so angry?

These questions are not uncommon. We could ask: What makes him act this way? What is he thinking?

Abusive behavior typically begins in childhood. Almost all abusers including teen abusers-fit a typical profile:

They have been physically and or psychologically abused as children.
They have seen their father beat and or severely dominate their mother or sisters.
One or both parents abused alcohol and or drugs.

These facts are important because if a boy sees his father dominate and intimidate his mother, he understands that this is the way men behave toward women. If he sees his father hit his mother, he understands that physical domination is the man’s right in his relationships. If he sees that his mother tolerates this behavior-that is, she doesn’t leave or at least stand up for herself-his perception is that women feel this is acceptable behavior. An important characteristic of an abuser is one who loses his temper frequently and more easily than most people. He may throw or hit objects rather than people. In many households it is considered acceptable behavior when the child is upset and behaves in this manner. It is very dangerous because the brain learns to destroy things when angry. It knows that when it is stressed or anxious, hitting something relieves those feelings. It very quickly generalizes a face just as easily as a wall. Often an abuser will appear to have a split personality. Most of the time he is nice and considerate, a pleasure to be around. He can quickly become a cruel person who makes demeaning comments, becomes enraged when you don’t listen to his advice, when he doesn’t know where you are at all times, or when he uses drugs or alcohol. When he says he is sorry and he won’t do it again, this keeps you in the relationship. Another important feature of an abuser is that he is very adept at turning his bad behavior around and blaming you. This constantly makes you wrong, as if you are constantly disappointing him. You begin to believe that you can’t trust your own instincts and that you have to apologize for your “crimes” that you didn’t commit. Because you feel like such a “loser” you believe that he is the only person who could ever love someone like you. Do you see how insidious this behavior is? The abuser doesn’t take responsibility for any of his actions; it is likely he will not change. Here are some very important concepts for you to understand about abusers:

Abuse is a learned behavior. It is learned from seeing it used as an effective tool of control-usually in the home in which he grew up.
Abuse is not a natural reaction to an outside event.
It is not normal to behave in a violent manner within a personal relationship.
Abusers deny that abuse has occurred or make light of the episode.
Abusers blame the victim, other people, or outside events for the abusive attack.
Abusers don’t act because they are out of control. They choose to respond to a situation violently. they are making a conscious decision to behave in an abusive manner.
Abusers act out of a need for control and domination, not anger.
Abusers are not reacting to stress.
Abusers may at times be loving and gentle, charming and engaging, hard workers and good students.

Hopefully you have a better understanding about the abuser. Only you can answer if your relationship meets the discussed criteria. Here are six criteria that are vital if the abuser is going to change. They have to happen in the following order just like any other successful program:

He understands that his behavior is inappropriate and abusive.
He doesn’t cast blame for his behavior onto his girlfriend, wife, parents, teachers, or anyone else.

He takes full responsibility for abusive behavior.

He has a desire to change. He’s not just doing it to stay out of trouble.
He follows up with his stated desire to change with concrete actions. LOVE IS A BEHAVIOR!
His new actions are continuous, not just for the moment. Most abusers apologize for their bad behavior and will tell you it will never happen again. Often they are only contrite for a few days. How we can help.

Contact Us Today at 1-800-686-8167 for a Free Consultation

Family Crisis Foundation offers many resources that can assist men, women and children who are being abused. Our services are available a phone call away.

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