I feel betrayed please help me!!!
I just discovered that my spouse is unfaithful, and I feel really angry, and I keep asking myself, why? Please Harriet, kindly explain my situation to me. Name withheld Lekki Lagos
Infidelity or unfaithfulness is a huge feeling of betrayal, as painful as it may look it will be nice to understand that infidelity are in various forms, therefore it will be nice to know the type of infidelity that you spouse falls into, since there are different types of infidelity. The solutions are different as well, depending on the type of infidelity. For easy understanding infidelity  has been classified into three groups; The One Night Stand, as the tone, it is just a one off, no strain attach, no contact exchange, no intention of keeping a relationship with the person.
Sexual addiction; more like an illness, a situation where the person lacks self control (Anything on skirt or trousers goes)
entangled affairs: is more emotional, intimate, long lasting relationship. As a matter of fact, knowing the type that your spouse is involved makes it easy to deal with. Because a person in your situation will like to know what led to the act of infidelity; therefore our next step is to provide you with all the necessary information for you to have a clear picture and again to understand that your feeling and reaction is expected. The big question is WHY? What are the reasons for this act of unfaithfulness (infidelity) an affair can happen in a good marriage as well as in a marriage with existing problems, although there’s no justification for infidelity in marriage? In situation when spouse gives excuses for having an affair, it is simply a way to personally justify the behaviour and to feel more at ease with the decision to cheat. Mind you it’s a Decision. Some on the other hand may not understand why they are unfaithful, it is very important to note that you are not to blame for your spouse’s decision to stray.
We are human being remembered, with free will to take decision on our own. Dealing with the issue of infidelity is incomplete if we don’t mention some reasons or excuses people give for been unfaithful to their spouse, they are as follows;
Lack of affection in both the husband and the wife; some spouse claim that they feel neglected with little or no attention.
Low self esteem; as a result of their spouse attitude towards them for example, speaking hurtful words, negative name calling, cursing and abuses.
Some claim lack of satisfaction physically or emotional.
An addiction to sex or romance- need for more sex or sexual variety.
Some feel that it a better way to end a UN happy marriage /relationship most especially in situation where they are living like roommates.
Fear of commitment.
Need for excitement;
Lack of stable role model relationship when growing up
in ability to resist advances from the opposite sex.
Making spouse jealous
Deception,
Emotional intimacy
Flirtation
Internet: even though the Internet correspondents may not see face to face, some use it as a reason to be unfaithful to their spouse. Internet sex has become a great concern for many families.
Lack of communication
Peer pressure / home or office pressure: all my friends are having an affair; I don’t want to be the odd one out.
child issue : family expansion (my only son syndrome )
Moreover statement like :
Men are polygamous by nature
Variety is the spices of life
If my wife catches me she goes, and if I catch her she goes!
I need some space
you don’t listen to me.
I can’t help myself
He/she doesn’t mean anything to me.
It’s not the way you feel
I was charmed
She / he seduce me, I didn’t mean it
I was tempted, or it’s the work of the devil
I felt sorry for her/him because of his or her situation and it happen, it was just once .
Reactions to infidelity in marriage:
Reactions to different types of infidelity differs, the reaction to Entangle Affair is different from One night Stand, or Addiction (obsession )
There are several situation : caught in the act with a close friend or relative is different reaction compare to a stranger on the internet.
If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably will mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity has and is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and, you might feel that you are losing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity. It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to ever rebuild trust.
Here are some of the emotions one feels when faced with the knowledge that their spouse has cheated. If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, these emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again.
Denial:
This is a very normal first reaction, and most people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this.
Anger:
You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of. An affair attacks the very foundation of your day to day life, robbing you of your security, violating the vows you took when you got married, and stripping away all the peace of mind you got from being married.
It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the other person who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the most destructive emotions you’ll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control…
Rejection:
It’s impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all time low at some point before you recover. Turn to your experience good friends and family for strength.
Other reactions are:
Shock
Heart broken
Hatred
Used and violated
Shattered
Hurt
Humiliated
Depress —– homicidal, suicide,
Blameworthy
Helpless
Vengeful
Undesirable
sexually arouse,
some are happy (especially those that are suspicious of their spouse, and have been looking for prove).
Some feel Relieve
Alarm
Loose their temper
some weep
Bitterness set in
Low- self esteem leads to spouse feeling unimportant, inferior, worthless,
Spiteful everyone will experience emotions differently. This list, though it isn’t complete is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.
A problem shared is a problem half solved. Take care of yourself and each other.
