Dear Harriet, thanks for your counsel on life issues, it’s of great benefit to me. I am beginning to see things differently that is why I need you to throw light on how to deal with a boy friend who is afraid of commitment I am a matured single lady in a relationship. Thanks. (Name with held. Abuja)
Commitment is one of the most important goal of a sustainable relationship thanks for sharing your situation, trust me it will interest you to know the number of people who are experiencing same challenge as you. Commitment can be explained as a dedication or rather an obligation that binds a person to a particular person or course of action. It may be made willingly or unwillingly. Now let’s have an overview of the problem at hand before offering solutions; one thing that we must understand is that there are different categories of people in dealing with the issues of commitment in a relationship. Some people may ask for a commitment at the early stage, while others may ask for some type of commitment after a lengthy relationship. Individual with commitment issues may experience mental distress and emotional difficulty when faced with situations that require their full dedication to achieving a particular goal. The term commitment cut’s across every aspect of life not only in affairs, in the workplace for instance a fear of commitment may lead a person to avoid or reject projects or assignments this attitude could have a negative impact on the person’s performance or overall effectiveness so also in a relationship commitment issues may prompt one or both partners to reject the opportunity to pursue a more stable, intimate arrangement such as getting married. However the factors behind your partner’s inability to commit may stem from variety of issues. While you may consider his fear of commitment of no importance, you need to be open and realize that his perception of the situation is what governs his behaviour. Here are some reasons why your partner might find it challenging to be committed. May be your partner may not be genuinely in love with you or may have feelings for someone else. His relationship with you might be on a friendly ground nothing serious. Fear of a loss of identity where he may have to cater to all your needs in fear of making you unhappy and in the process lose himself can be a reason as well. Others causes for lack of commitment in relationships are as follows;
- Fear of being controlled
- Immaturity and the need to remain young
- Fear of a reduce social life with friends or buddies
- Fear of financial responsibility
- Fear of becoming more demanding
- Fear of being “trapped” and losing all sense of freedom
- Fear of the unknown – here, your boy friend or girl friend may feel that he/ she is making a life time commitment without having any idea of what is down the road.
Inferiority complex; a person with low self esteem will see the other person better as a result commitment becomes difficult. The way forward is this, once you understand that his fear of commitment is really an undefined fear or set of fears within himself, your next move is to attempt to repair this problem by doing the following: bring his possible fears listed above to the surface one by one. If you ask him directly why he is afraid to commit he may be unable to identify the real issues. This is probably because he will only be feeling emotions that are associated with fear and not possess conscious awareness of the label for such emotions. Have a meaningful open discussion with him you may be surprise what this type of conversation may bring and your relationship may become stronger or otherwise. See this as an opportunity to really communicate deep-rooted fears and feelings with each other. In addition it is possible that even with this type of extensive interaction your boy friend may continue his pattern. If you see a consistent pattern of avoidance, procrastination and so on after this discussion, then the pattern has a good chance of being around a long time, may be indefinitely. If he constantly reassures you he will make some decision but never seems to follow through then you need to be honest with yourself about the quality of this relationship as a long term commitment. As painful as this may be always chasing the elusive carrot as the saying goes is demoralizing and will devalue your self-worth. You might also want to set some time limit within yourself but try to avoid ultimatums. Note that decisions about commitment made by ultimatums rarely work out in a healthy way so in the process of dealing with the issue make sure it is approach the proper way. However, when your own tolerance level is reached, let him know that you can no longer be involved in this relationship and might have to chose to go in another direction if action is not taking, clarify that it is not an ultimatum but for the good of the relationship. Take care of yourself and each other.
A problem shared is a problem half solved.
