Dear Harriet, I just got married but recently my feelings towards my ex- girl friend suddenly came back when I saw her at the shopping mall. I am beginning to have affection for her more than my wife. In the past I actually dated them at the same time, before settling for my wife. I keep feeling that my marriage is a mistake, please what should I do? Kindly help me. Thanks. (Name with held. Lagos)
Thanks for sharing your situation with us and also giving us the permission to write about it. Your case is not an exceptional one, trust me some people are in your situation in their relationship or marriage at the moment but they find it hard or there is no outlet or somebody to speak to. Some have tune their minds to flow with it, while some are standing firm putting all the ex girl friend feelings to rest. One thing for sure is that there is no perfect wife or perfect husband. Couples in some cases have this feeling that they would have being better married to may be their ex or someone else. We think the grass is greener on the other side. This will pose as a huge problem if not tackle properly. The feeling of someone better than your wife if care is not taken can give room to other issues in the home. In no time your will start seeing and treating your wife badly simply because of the feelings you have for your ex without you knowing. As a result you will always find faults in your wife no matter how much she tries to be a good wife to you. Your marriage is very young and I suppose before you propose to your wife you thought it through properly, most of all, there was some kind of affection or connection between both of you. Agree the early years of coming together to live as one is really not easy because everybody is trying to make a point, call it securing their space somehow. Couples struggle at this early stage, take for instance, all this while you are used to doing things in a certain way but now that you are married the story is different, it is no longer you way, things have change. This stage does not last forever couples get better as the day goes by. The main quality that will keep couples going is if they have love for one another, which is the main factor that holds a good marriage. Love over come every obstacle. Another factor is to have an open mind with your wife no assumption because without a free mind you cannot have an effective communication which is an important ingredient that couples need for a successful marriage. Acceptance and contemptment must be mentioned at this point because when it’s lacking in a marriage can give room to the above issue. Satisfaction comes from within so to snap out of this feeling is to remind yourself about the reason why you married your wife. The ball is in your court to make your marriage work. Come to think of it, what guarantee you that your ex will be a better wife? Relationship or dating is a different game compare to marriage, beside she can only show you the part of her that she wants you to see, have you ever thought of it. The devil you know they say is better than the angel you don’t know. Think over it properly and see how you can make it work because one thing we must note is that it takes two to build a happy home. Especially in marriage. Furthermore, every couple has their strength and weaknesses, encourage each other and work on your weaknesses as a team. Talk to her about everything especially your likes and dislikes, don’t hold anything back and also ask her about hers as well. Discuss freely about all, even your sex life. You are married- confirm husband and wife for crying out loud so talk and learn from each other on how to bond as one. In addition if you want to stop thinking about your ex, you need to take away her presence from your life, therefore all contact with her must stop, no phone calls, no text messages, emails or social media messages. Interaction must be brief and formal if necessary. There is no perfect marriage you must know, for every successful marriage you see out there, means that someone worked at it. Someone showed love, faithfulness, honesty, humility, patience, tolerant, appreciation, and satisfaction. Life is about the choices we make, occupy your mind with thoughts that will aid you to achieve realistic goals in order to be a better person and husband. Take up sporting activities that you enjoy, filling your days up will leave little time to start feeling or thinking of your ex, get busy. Having joint activity with your wife can bring back the spark in your relationship, make out time to spend quality time as couples together, go out if need be and do those things you use to do. Enjoy each other’s company; most marriages are boring today because couples pay little or no attention to spending quality time doing what they enjoy doing before marriage. Feeling is a mind set, and you alone can control it, cherish what you have.
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