Dear Harriet, I need your advice on courtship before marriage, please is it necessary?
Thanks. (Name withheld.)
Thanks for your email, it very important to note that marriage is a serious affair and must be treated with all seriousness in order to avoid complains, regrets and so on, which can lead to other marital issues including separation.
Marriage should be base on true love not infatuation or pity and courtship should be considered with a man/ woman whom you love enough to marry not just anyone. The issue of courtship before marriage is one major question that people term to ask, some would like to know the duration that is good enough. The truth of the matter is that it varies, you cannot judge by the number of years or months but once you have it at the back of your mind that marriage is a learning institute base on relationship then you place yourself in a better position. Courtship is of immense significance for any man or woman intending to commit themselves to each other in marriage. It is wise to start on the note of prayer, both of you should commit the issue of marriage to the one who ordain the union and that is God. The period of courtship should be handled with great diligence. It is good to look well before leaping. This is the time to interact with hope of experiencing deeper understanding of each other. In other words there must be effective communication. Note that the period of courtship also provides a ground for openness leading to authentic knowledge of each other base on love, trust and faith. The time spend together should be an opportunity for growth and positive enrichment, as a result , such encounter if utilized properly should help intending couples to know their strength and weaknesses. Moreover, get to know each other’s family; as much as possible spend time with each other’s families, visit them because it is very important so that if you do end up in marriage, you will have a better understanding of them in order to get along freely. They will not see you as a stranger but as part of their family. Family in this part of the world as we know is an invaluable resource which forms an integral part of who we are. Getting close to his/her family will give you an insight about his relationship with his family members for instance and the kind of family. Love the say can be blind at times but family and friends can really help to correct our vision. Courtship can be regarded as a time of discovery, the step you are about to take is not a boy friend/ girl friend issue it is a life time commitment like I rightful said at the beginning, so as you are busy taking the above into consideration don’t forget to also study yourself to know your likes and dislikes, your temperament, mode of life because this process will surely enhance your personal understanding of who you are, and how you can work towards improving yourself to be right for your Mr. right. Most times we want our partner to be the right person forgetting that we also have to be right as well. Furthermore, is parental consent; your parents or guardian are important so you should carry them along on the issue of marriage. Some cases we know can be difficult but try to communicate with your parents for them to understand your dreams and aspirations.
If you have to give them time to see reason with your choice do so with an open mind. Don’t assume that they are irrelevant. Remember they raised you and they will always want the best for you in most cases. In addition, to a large extend they have been instrumental to your well being. You may not agree on every issue still Endeavour to respect and honour them in passing across your point. Another area to make open during courtship is the aspect of finance; it has to be said here that financial consideration should not be a priority in the process of preparing for marriage, never the less we must not underestimate its importance. True love and not wealth should be the motivating factor. This is because there are many rich homes where there is no love and happiness. Even in the midst of wealth some marriages have broken down. Partners should however take steps to be self-reliant, particularly in the financial aspect. This requires openness that will enable partners to truly know the financial strength of each other. Bearing in mind that marriage will bring additional financial demands.
The leadership role of a man for example in a home naturally imposes upon him more financial responsibilities. It is therefore incumbent on him to find out if he has the financial power to meet in the immediate and future, the demands of his wife to be. Together they should find out what each person is bringing to the table now or in the future. This is very important because it is risky to marry a person that has no source of income except there is a concrete arrangement or evidence that something will come up in the future. Care must be taken not to allow money destroy the values of love, peace, happiness and unity in the home. Dialogue and cooperation on money matters is vital during courtship because it helps the man and the woman to build a solid foundation on how to manage their resources when they get married. It also helps them to manage their emotions when it comes to money. Intimacy in courtship is not to be neglected both emotional and physical; it is advisable to be able to set boundaries for proper reasoning. Decide what your limitations are making it clear; after all, if everything works out you will spend the rest of your life with him/her. The excitement is one great moment that couples look forward to.
A problem shared is a problem half solved.
