Hello Harriet I sent you a mail sometime last year, which you promise to, publish so that others in similar condition might also learn from your wise counsel. The mail in question was about losing a life partner that is my wife and since then I have lost interest in women. Should I start another relationship? Please help me. Thanks. (Name with held. Uyo)
Kindly accept our sympathy about the death of your wife; we must commend you for sharing your story so that people who are in the same situation will know how to deal with the challenges of losing a love one. The death of a love one is very painful and devastating, a lot of difficult emotions comes to play. These are normal reactions to a significant loss. Dealing effectively and positively with grief caused by such a loss is base on your recovery process and your ability to continue with, fulfill your own life for the better.  Life on its own might seem worthless to some people as the grief the lost of their dear one. However there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time can renew you and allow you to move on. grief is a natural response to loss, it is basically the emotional suffering you experience when someone close to you dies which is more than your feelings; it will show up in the way you reason, you may be in denial that the person is no more, you might be in a confused state of mind, your thinking muddled. Unable to concentrate on anything might pose as a challenge because all attention is on the beloved that is no more, how he or she died and the life that was shared before the loss.  The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. People grieve differently and this is simply because our personalities and the way we manage issues differs, for example, some people might mourn their love one for months while others take  years. The grieving process takes time, while healing is a gradual process, it cannot be force or hurried, it must take its natural course. Therefore, whatever emotion you are experiencing try to understand that it is only natural so  express yourself the way you feel provided you don’t harm yourself, if you feel like crying please do, because Crying is a therapy on its own so don’t hold back. Before we proceed on ways to deal with the loss of a love one, it be nice to explain the stages of grief that is common with most people in a time like this and the common symptoms of grief. Denial is the first form of emotion that hit the person, refusing to the fact of the loss, with some expectation that the person might just walk in. slowly the person move into anger, the feeling of why me, then the blaming attitude; may be if I have done this or that she or he would have lived, or if only I have treated him or her better, and so on. Depression; the feeling of sadness and shutting down on the world, is also another stage of grief. The bargaining feeling for some people is not left out; a way of trying to strike a deal that will reduce the pain of the grief. The stage of acceptance is another that must be mention in this aspect, it is the point when the person works through the feelings and conflicts that have arisen and he or she is ready to accept the fact of death. The general effect can be physical and emotional so the way forward is to take certain steps that might help the healing process; talking about your feelings is a good way to start, you can talk to your support group which can be you family members who are there for you or good friends who are ready to listen to you or a trained counselor whose job is listen and guide you through the necessary healing process in confident. Talking will make you feel better as time goes on. Next is to get busy once you are strong enough to handle the death, trust me, the pain of losing a love one cannot disappear overnight from time to time you will remember the person, there will be flash backs but you must learn to occupy yourself. Most importantly turn to God for solace because he is the only one that can give you inner peace and he knows the reason why he allowed it to happen. If you are questioning your faith in the wake of the loss talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.  Start reading inspirational books or journals it will help your healing process. Change of environment might also help some people during the process of recovery in order to move on. Take up activity of your choice, something you enjoy doing could be sport for example. If there are children involve you must try to be there for them and the only way you can achieve that is by staying healthy because they look up to you for strength. The aspect of not finding interest in women for now is expected for some people because of what happened to them and their present state of mind which is natural, but with time everything will be fine.  Now going into a relationship at this time might cut across in two ways; first if you have not gone through the grieving process you might not really be going into a relationship for the right reason. Secondly the issue of comparison will be a great challenge if not handle properly. Relationship will come, you will find happiness and joy again if you give yourself time, so learn to take every day as it comes trusting God to give you a person that will understand where you have been and where you are going.
