Hello Harriet I stumbled over your article that was on infidelity in marriage, i have been married for 8 years, recently we have been having some issues, and at the slightest issue my wife will always threaten to leave, this have been going on for some time. Initially, I thought it will get better as the day goes on but instead we are leaving like strangers, gradually I started withdrawing emotionally because some years back before I met my wife a similar issue happened in my relationship, a lady I was engaged to for over a year walked out of my life when we were already preparing for marriage. I don’t want history to repeat itself so I need your advice on what to do, this is not just a relationship rather a marriage with two wonderful children. There’s also another aspect I want you to help me that is the part of my unfaithfulness. When the situation at home was unbearable, I got involved with a lady and my relationship with her made matters worse between us. It is over now but the guilty is killing me and I find it hard to get back to my wife emotionally. More so, I am very worried and I don’t want my children to suffer in any way. Please help me!
(Unknown, Lagos)
Thanks for sharing your situation with us, we are indeed very grateful. The case of marital problem is not a strange one, every marriage has its ups and down, but what keeps the union is the ability to handle situations as the come and that is where understanding and tolerance comes to play. In your situation issues were left untreated, which grew deeper by the day. In marriage, issues are to be treated as the come, spouse must communicate frequently; remember, interaction is not just about words you use but also about the way you speak and your body language. No matter the circumstances. Openness is one of the factors for a successful marriage; couples should be able to express themselves freely. For example your wife’s packing out threat; is a sign of built up pressure that was not disclosed. People handle situation differently, some seek counsel when the situation become unbearable in their marriage, now it then depend on who are their advisers and what kind of advice is been given to them; is it to build the marriage or destroy the marriage, that’s the question. Seeking comfort in the hands of another woman/man when there is a problem in marriage is always not the answer to the problem because it only aggravates issues. Guilt is one of the side effects of unspoken infidelity; the way out of the feeling of guilt is to have it discuss openly with your spouse leaving nothing behind or better still book an appointment with a trained counsellor, who is not there to apportion blame or judge anyone but to make sure that issues are resolved amicably. By so doing you will feel light hearted and happy with yourself again, if your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you. The reaction might not be a pleasant one but with time everything will work out fine, once you are able to be patient, showing signs of sincere change and hard work. In addition, this will also help you kick start the emotional aspect, the question is how? Now you are working on yourself so that your wife will see that you are really sorry for the act, in other words you are trying to gain back her trust. In the process your affection for her will start coming back gradually because I believe you once love her and you still love her, that is why you have asked for help. You might be saying to yourself, why is it center on me alone, after all she keep threaten to pack out as well, yes I know but in situation like this one person have to make the move for peace to reign again, if you happen to be the one why not. Here are further tips to help you get back emotionally: try to remember the initial attraction and the lovely moment you shared with your wife. We are humans with our strength and weaknesses; look at her strength and accept her weakness. Include spending quality time with your spouse henceforth; it creates room for you to bond with your spouse which is very important in marriage. Establishing mutual trust and understanding emerge as a result. Be spontaneous; do something unexpected. You know your spouse better than anyone, you know how to make her happy, go ahead and do so. Another aspect is for you to adjust your mind set. Emotional connection is about the mind so having the right mind set will put you back on track. Creating intimate moment will also be of great help; a gentle touch, eye contact, or a quick hug can create an intimate, loving atmosphere. Most importantly never forget to commit your marriage into the hands of God who ordain marriage as a whole. We wish you a happy marriage as you apply the counsel given; take care of yourself and each other.
A problem shared is a problem half solved. Take care of yourself and each other.
