Dear Harriet, we are newly wedded and I love my husband very much but my challenge is that I am really not getting enough sexual satisfaction, he comes so quickly, it beginning to affect me and I don’t know how to address the issue. Help me (Name with held, Lagos.)
Sexual intimacy and satisfaction are issues not discussed openly in marriage due to certain reason but they are very important in keeping a healthy relationship. Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Interestingly sex is one major aspect that should be talked about freely. However some people don’t see it proper to verbalize their sexual needs to their spouse for fear of hurting the other party, fear of what might be the response or the fear of their spouse not been able to fulfill these needs. Some marriages today are suffering because of this unknown fundamental problem that is not address. Before detail explanation is given allow me to say that this topic is only for adults because quite good number of youths read my page. Sex in marriage is a beautiful thing to be cherished and enjoyed by couple, it is not for children so for my young readers concentrate on your vision in life and don’t lose focus, suspend every form of distraction bear in mind that there is time for everything in life, so at the right time with the right person you will surely get to the stage of such intimacy.
Moving on, let us understand the role of sex in marriage and relationship; in marriage a woman should understand that she is entitle to educate her husband on her personal sexual needs. Every couple enjoys something differently about sex. Most times couples assume that their spouse should know what they like, well to certain extend yes but not all the time. Sex is for bonding and procreation between husband and wife. In relationship for example sex is advice to be put on hold in order to have a clearer understanding and better sense of reasoning instead of allowing you to be ruled by pleasure or emotion while sex in marriage is the icing on the cake truth be told, a satisfying sex life keeps couples happy, closer, and intimate. Marriage as we know is the only legal platform that gives you the full go ahead sexually with your spouse. In a situation like the above case whereby the woman feels she is not getting enough satisfaction from her husband sexually is a problem that must be tackled immediately in order not to give room to other problems. Some people might ask what the big idea about sex when as couples they have other pressing issues to deal with. Well if that’s their view, they are actually entitled to their opinion any way. However, it will be nice for us to list out some of the causes for such situation and they are: lack of sexual maturity; if you are his first he might find it difficult to control his excitement, as such his rate of keeping up cannot be as long as you might wish but with time he will grow to know what to do. Low sex drive – just as we are of different personality so also is our sex drive, some people have slow sex drive while their spouse might have a very high sex drive they term to crave for more sex than a person with a low sex drive. Another reason for such might be regarded as a self centered attitude; when a spouse is solely concern about his own satisfaction not putting the other person’s feeling into consideration intentionally or not. Next might be a medical issue that needs to be address as soon as possible. Other factors are age; the level of sexual urge reduces with age, now if you are married to a younger woman with a high sex drive you will notice that her demand will be high while an older woman might not be so demanding especially those in their menopause, likewise men. An advance man is not as sexually driven like when he is in his youthful age; this is just natural age as you will agree has a way of slowing down things. stress; is another aspect that might affect sexual performance in marriage; the mind set must be right and free of worries for a person to flow freely during sex although some people feel at that point when they are stress out is when they need sex to ease their mind. Others while stress might be doing it just to fulfill all righteousness. In addition is lack of creativity in , bed; when sex is same pattern and style all the time your spouse might find it a bit boring and uninteresting. The way forward now that we have listed what might be the cause is to find a conducive time in a relax atmosphere to discuss the issue with your spouse. Communication of sexual needs is a healthy part of an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Which does not imply inadequacy, although your spouse might view it in such form; if so reassure him that you also want to know how he can also be satisfied in the process. through this approach he may feel comfortable, free and less inadequate in addressing the matter, this is because some men feels that sexual intimacy techniques are something that they should know instinctually so to such men any discussion simply means that their spouse is being too demanding or critical. In approaching the issue first and foremost find out if there is any problem at work affecting him or her. Allow him/her to respond and listen attentively to his explanation.
Next step is to acknowledge and re examine your sex life and ask him what he feels about it. Base on his reply calmly explain to him how you feel and what you will like improvement on. for some people it is not an easy task to talk about sex with their spouse as aforementioned because to them it is a” no” go area for fear of sending the wrong message. Couple should be able to discuss everything including their sexual intimacy. Bring back the spark in your love life by discussing freely each other’s interest. Suggest creativity and analysis issues together as couples. Being spontaneous in your actions this will help. Admire each other’s nakedness. More so, always set the mood right from the start of the day for example you cannot be nasty to your spouse either by verbal or physical abusing him /her and expecting to have a great sex at night, it simply does not work like that. If for any reason it happens to be on medical ground then try to encourage your spouse to seek the help of a doctor.
A counselor might also be of help if you find it difficult to handle the situation together. In addition here are some tips on what to avoid in the process; don’t cheat on your spouse to fulfill your needs- this is a very bad and deceptive approach which will destroy your marriage. Don’t quarrel over the issue, avoid not making your spouse feel inferior in addressing the issue instead explain to him/ her needs not his /her weakness. Avoid comparison and don’t ignore or start keeping malice with him; he might never know your needs if you don’t tell him. Finally, when you love someone you got to love everything about them not just the good ones but also the things you don’t find lovable so seeking solution to your sex life with your spouse together for the good of your marriage is a step to the right direction that should be applaud.
Take care of yourself and each other.
A problem shared is a problem half solved.
